Sixth Post Ever!!

Good eveningz! So sorryz I could not write yesterday. It was the Best Day Ever, and I was so happy and too distracted to write! You see, I am a small and excitable puppy, and sometimes I forget things I need to do because life is so great and everything is wonderful! 

Maybe I’ll catch you all up on my past few days. Just so you know, they were the Best Day Ever. Momma is starting school again, so she leaves forever and Maggie and I go into kennels and she comes back and plays. 

The first day was Best Day Ever, but sort of a little boring. Momma wakes up late and Maggie and I are already awake, I’m a little bored. Then we go into kennels forever and ever to wait for Momma.

We wait forever for Momma to get home, but Short Human and Grumpa come back before her. That’s okay, though, because they let us run outside and when we come in Short Human lets me jump on his lap and cuddle close. Then I lick his face and he pets me. I’m very persuasive that way. 

When Momma gets home I think I’ll get all sorts of attention, but she just sits down on the couch and opens a book and looks at it. So I snuggle in beside her and Maggie gets on the other side and Momma is still looking at the book, which is definitely more boring than me. So Maggie and I rub our noses against Momma’s arms and Maggie lays on her arm, but Momma keeps looking at her boring, uncute book. Maggie lays her head on Momma’s chest, but Momma doesn’t even move her book, she just tells Maggie to move her nose! Maggie doesn’t want to move; She wants Momma to pet her, so she leaves her head where it is. Then Momma puts the book on her nose! And Maggie’s like “Fine then. I’ll just wait until you move it. You’ll move it. I’m so cute.” Momma didn’t move the book; Maggie moved her nose. Books won, and Momma read the rest of the night.

Yesterday was another Best Day Ever, too. Yesterday Momma wakes up and pets us in bed for a long time. When we go upstairs I smell something funny and I hear something moving: Cleaning Lady is here. I hate Cleaning Lady! She smells disinfecty and sour, which means she hates cuddling puppies.(People who love cuddling puppies smell sweet and warm.) 

I hate people who hate cuddling puppies. Mean Kid hates cuddling puppies (Remember him? He’s Short Human’s smelly friend). Did I tell you what I do to him? I bark and bark and snarl and tell him he better watch it or I’ll attack and do you really think you can take it? That’s what I do to Cleaning Lady: I bark at her to tell her she better get out of my house right now or else. I run up to her really fast while I’m barking and then I stop one puppy-length away so she knows I’m too dangerous to be close to her. Then I bark some more. If she tries to come close, I back up because if I get too close, I might do something crazy. If she backs away I let her go because darn right you’re backing away! 

She doesn’t really go anywhere, though. Momma just yells at me to get down here, so I go down there. But when I go back upstairs, I warn Cleaning Lady that she better watch herself and not bother Momma and me, OR ELSE. Momma yells at me again to leave her alone, so I guess I have to. I wish I could bark at her some more because I think she still needs to be taught a lesson. Things are too cushy for her.

Momma’s getting ready and Maggie and I are fighting over a toy, then we go upstairs and Momma says to get back over here, so I go back over there. Maggie and I go into kennels even though I’d rather stay out and keep an eye on Cleaning Lady because I don’t trust her at all and I’m sure that as soon as Momma leaves, Cleaning Lady will do something horribleterribleawful.

When we’re in kennels, we’re there forever and ever and ever and ever. Forever, for real. Grumpa and Short Human get back earlier than Momma again, luckily, and Maggie and I play with Short Human because Grumpa doesn’t want us to jump all over him, but Short Human doesn’t seem to mind.

Momma gets home really late, and all she wants to do is read. I’m so tired of reading. Oh, but then Grumpa and Short Human bring Momma dinnahz, and she has food and gives me the lid to her soup and Maggie and I both get bread! Really good, tough-crusty bread! I forgive her for the reading.

The End!

Second Post Ever!!

Hooray for today! I'm so excited! Best Day Ever!

So yesterday, after Skinny Human stops making weirdo noise, Momma gets in the shower and she leaves the bathroom door open so Maggie and I can still run around the house. Maggie is being a butt (as usual), biting my neck and starting fights and stuff, so I decide to stay in the bathroom. Normally I stay in the bathroom anyway because I don't like to be too far away from people, and when there are no other humans in the house (like yesterday during showering time), there's no one to cuddle with or to save me from Buttface Maggie. So I stay in the bathroom and Maggie runs around and looks out the back door and barks at birds and runs to the front window and barks at squirrels and runs to the back door again, and sometimes she runs downstairs and runs back upstairs and stops at the back door and then goes back to the front window. None of that is particularly exciting, especially since I know that as soon as I walk out of the bathroom, Buttface Maggie is going to growl at me and leap at me and bite me on the neck.

So I stay in the bathroom and Momma takes a really, really, really long time in the shower. I don't even understand why she showers so much. All the humans shower so much, except Short Human, who doesn't shower very much at all, and then Momma and Skinny Human yell at him because they say he smells and Grumpa tells Short Human to get in the shower, but I don't really see the problem because he smells more interesting than the rest of them and I think that he's fun to sniff because you never know what you'll find!

Sometimes Maggie and I (when Maggie's not being a buttface) will jump on Short Human when he's laying down or sitting down and he thinks we really want to cuddle with him and we start sniffing him and we lick him and then we leave and we try to guess what we smelled or tasted, which is really a fun game when you've got nothing else to do but wait in the bathroom or look out the back door or front window. So I don't the problem that Short Human doesn't shower enough.

So I don't understand why humans shower so much. I hate baths. I like to smell like everywhere I've been because then other puppehs look up to me. Well, they still look down to me because everyone looks down to me (except Oscar, who is my size, which makes him think that he gets to sniff my GirlDogParts because "they're right there" and he is a creepo perv) but they look up to me. So I don't understand why humans shower so much.

Then, we follow Momma around while she's getting dressed and ready and stuff and she puts us outside because I think we're annoying her because we're following her around while she's getting dressed and ready and stuff but I hate being outside because I don't like being too far away from people so I scratch at the door right away and she lets me back in right away and I follow her around while she's getting dressed and ready and stuff.

After she finishes getting dressed and ready and stuff, Momma brings Maggie in and tells us to go in our kennels so we go in our kennels but we're not very happy about it and she leaves while we stay in our kennels. We stay in our kennels forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and then Grumpa comes home and we're freaking out because we're so excited because aren't you going to let us out, Grumpa, right, because we're still in our kennels and we're been here waiting patiently forever and ever? But Grumpa walks right past us and we sit in our kennels and wait forever and ever and ever while Grumpa goes back and forth to the kitchen and then to the bed in the room right next to us and we can hear you with your loud bright box-thing on making noise while we sit here, Grumpa, why can't you let us out?

Grumpa doesn't let us out, so we wait another forever and ever and ever and ever until Momma finally comes home and we're freaking out because we've been waiting patiently and she's shushing us and we can't be quiet because we're freaking out. She must have been gone really forever because she let us outside without leashes, which she only does when she's sure we won't bother other people or because she really feels guilty because Grumpa was a buttface and didn't let us out when he should have. So we go outside and Maggie runs into the next yard and she doesn't even run away and I stay really close to Momma because she's been gone forever and we were in our kennels forever and we really want to see her and play a little but mostly cuddle, and Momma cuddles with us forever and then we go to sleep.

The End!